I'm going to start this blog by talking about emotion. On September 21st 2014 Gemma and I lost our baby girl. She was born sleeping at 37 weeks.
It was and still is the hardest thing I have had to deal with.
Now back to emotion, I think some people view it as a scale with one extreme at the top and the other at the bottom. I have a different view, I think there is an emotion that joins both the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow. It's hard to explain but I'll try.
There's times when I look at my little boy, or other babies / children and they are doing something really cute or funny. It makes me smile and if its one of my children I feel pride or really happy that they are having such fun. But then in the mist of that something hits you, you're still happy but the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and that smile comes and goes and you suddenly feel a tear rolling down your face. Now I don't class myself as soppy kind of guy. I believe men should be men and hold it together for everyone else around them, but for some reason these tears are a welcome reminder to the love I've lost. I'm sad and still really happy at the same time.
I was once talking to someone about feeling this way getting upset. They gave me some advice about taking a deep breath, tie your shoe lace or just walk away, but no that's not what I do. I told them each one of these tears remind me of my baby girl and I'll wear each one like a medal without shame and without hiding it in memory of her.
Now back to the Grace project at DRI (Doncaster Royal Infirmary). After we lost Ellen I was angry, angry at everyone and every thing. I felt such rage and anger in my heart. I felt as if I raised my hand and slammed it to the floor I would crack the earth itself! This feeling continued for a long time, but is starting to fade in time. Gemma and I experience lots mistakes by professionals along the way but that's a subject for a later day.
Eventually we heard about the birthing after thought team and Gemma called Nick Kerry. Who listening to our story and gave us faith back in the NHS. Nick is a wonderful lady so full of love and compassion. During our meeting with her I could see how honest and full of passion she was. Nick promised us she would make things better and she did by starting the Grace Project.
Nick has made some massive changes that will really benefit families that are going through this terrible thing. She has worked day and night going well beyond her role to get this sorted with the help from some other truly inspirational people.
The project needs funds! If anyone can help no matter how small that would be great. The loss of a child happens more often than any of us would like to believe. This has become even more apparent to Gemma and myself since becoming volunteers for Remember My Baby.
The Grace Project is currently looking for funds to support the creation of a baby memorial garden. If you can help please do. If you would like to make a donation or have a fundraising idea, please go to www.justgiving.com/DBH-baby-memorial or call 01302 642708. No matter what, it all can help.
I like to think Ellen has helped in her own way to ease the pain of other families who need to experience this horrible journey, and I'm so grateful to everyone in the above photo for all their hard work and dedication into making these changes. It warms my heart to know my little girl has made a difference.
She's now dancing in the sky, under the light of a million stars, but still holding my heart.
I love you baby...Sleep well.